


they say that you're not good for me

by bleulily (winterfells)



Series: trc drabbles [3]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, F/M, Gansey is a ghost, he's always been dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-06 00:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6728572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterfells/pseuds/bleulily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She told herself she had no right to cry. She had brought this upon herself months ago. She could have had a different way, but she chose this one, and now she was suffering the consequences, paying for her mistakes. But she didn’t want to, she wanted things to be back to normal. She wanted to have him there by her side again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	they say that you're not good for me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BlondeTate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlondeTate/gifts).



Blue stared at the ceiling, she laid in her bed, she couldn’t move her body. Tears were pooling in her eyes, and though she told herself to stop more than one time, they kept flowing like her rattled breathing. 

She told herself she had no right to cry. She had brought this upon herself months ago. She could have had a different way, but she chose this one, and now she was suffering the consequences, paying for her mistakes. But she didn’t want to, she wanted things to be back to normal. She wanted to have him there by her side again.

She remembered that night as though it had been yesterday. It had all been her fault, her words turned into her own poison. She should have kept her mouth shut, she knew she had, but she couldn’t help it when he stood there in front of her, his body almost transparent, his feet floating. She couldn’t bring herself to give him enough energy to keep him as human as he could possibly be, she was exhausted, a side effect from having worked an extra shift at Nino’s. 

She moved towards her bed, her limbs weighting on her, her eyes begging for her to keep them closed. But she felt him, his presence, the warmth that came from it. Dead people were supposed to be cold, but he wasn’t, not to her.

He asked her about her day, tried to make small conversation; it was a thing he tended to do, his strange way to try and cheer her up. She heard the tone of her voice change into that of irritation, and though she truly didn’t mean it, she knew he could sense into that; he felt as though she didn’t want him there.

His face turned into that of hurt, something she had never seen before. He was the sort of boy who would keep his feelings to himself, bottle everything up so no one would get hurt. She knew this and it pained her, but she knew she couldn’t quite change that anymore. After all, he was already dead. This love was doomed.

She had thought about it before, how they could never be actual lovers, how he would disappear and leave her by herself every now and then, how he could never actually kiss him or go on a date with him; but every time those thoughts came to her mind a tear would slip through her cheek and her chest would ache.

But that night, as she watched him slowly fade into the shadows, she couldn’t help but to whisper how terrible this all was for the both of them, how she could never truly have him, how their love could never be more than a crazy fantasy; and that’s how he reappeared, almost as fresh as a living person.

 _“Jane,”_ he began saying, his eyes cast down. The sound of the nickname he had given to her months ago now felt as cold as ice, _“There’s something you ought to know.”_

Blue was a curious girl. She wanted to know the answer behind every question, she wanted to know the reason behind the emptiness in his eyes.  _“What is it?”_ she asked, her voice quiet.

 _“I don’t love you,”_ he stated, his voice emotionless. He turned to look at her and his eyes locked with hers, they were white and empty,  _“I’m sorry I made you believe I did, but I don’t. I just wanted to know what it felt like to have a girl around again, to catch someone’s attention. I’m sorry I lied to you.”_

Blue shook her head.  _“What the hell are you even saying?”_ she spat,  _“Gansey, you’re my soul-”_

 _“I’m not,”_ he cut short, and she saw a string of pain reflecting on his face,  _“How could I be, if I’m dead? Your soulmate is alive and vibrant, Blue. Stop wasting time on me.”_

She glared at him, she was furious and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or scream.  _“How can you say that?”_

 _“Because it’s the truth,”_ he tried to explain,  _“You don’t need me in your life, Blue.”_

She watched him fade away, she watched every single pore of his body disappear into the abyss. This was not like him, he wasn’t the sort of person to lie about loving someone, and for a moment Blue wondered if she knew him at all. But as she reminisced every moment they spent together in the past, the laughs, the smiles, the lingering glances, the little touches, and she knew he lied when he said he didn’t love her.

She clutched onto her pillow, the one that had been there for her to rest her head on since he had left. She used to rest her head on his chest when she slept, and though perhaps that chest wasn’t a real one, it felt more comfortable than that pillow.

A year had passed since she had last seen him. She tried to give herself the chance to date other people, to try to find her ‘soulmate’, but deep in her heart she knew it was him; and even if he was dead, his absence made her realise that she truly wouldn’t have it any other way. She may like other people, feel attracted to them, but Gansey was something else.

Gansey was her true love.

She moved her hands to her chest, the chest that had been aching ever since he had left. She told herself it wasn’t right to feel like this, he had left so long ago because of her fault. She had hurt him, and hurt herself in the process, but that was her fault and hers only. She felt hot tears escaping her eyes, and she wanted to scream and beg for him to come.

“Jane,” someone whispered in her ear, and she felt something warm embrace her and kiss her temple, “Whatever’s the matter?”

A gasp escaped her lips but she found herself unable to formulate a response. She didn’t look at him, she didn’t dare to. She knew this was most likely an illusion she had created to comfort herself, and she violently shook her head to drive the illusion away.

“Jane,” he said again, and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, “I’m sorry, my love.”

“Please tell me I’m not crazy,” she managed between sobs.

She felt his cold lips on her temple, an almost breathing chilling her skin. His presence was like no other, and Blue Sargent was anything but crazy. “Why are you sad?”

“Because you left me,” she confessed, “And you never came back.”

“I thought you were happy with your other partners.”

Blue let out a humourless laugh. “You saw me then,” she said, “You saw me with my other partners.”

“Only a few,” he confessed, “And you were laughing and looked happy, and I didn’t want to take your happiness away from you by appearing again and break your heart because you can never be with me the way you are with them.”

“You’re wrong, Gansey. I was never happy.”

“I saw you crying and I couldn’t… I couldn’t let you stay like this. I wanted to be with you again, and I heard you whisper my name between sobs and I needed to be here.”

Blue finally turned to look at him. He looked real, and he almost felt real. His eyes had gone back to the beautiful hazel tone they used to be, his brown hair fell to cover his forehead, and he had never looked so beautiful and so sad.

“Don’t leave like that ever again, please,” she begged. She hated feeling this submissive, but she hated the idea of losing him again too.

He brought her head to his chest and let it rest. She found herself sobbing again, and if he was alive, his shirt would be stained from her tears. She felt him almost breathing, and her heart ached because it had been so long since she had been able to feel this, this almost life, this almost moment, this almost everything.

“I won’t,” he promised, and somehow Blue knew he wasn’t lying.


End file.
